JOKES ALL THE TIME!
Quality jokes to entertain you and your family!
Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.Yelling, the Sergeant asks, "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"
-----------------------------
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realize that long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering after eating it?"A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"
---------------------------
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked."Hunting Flies" he responded."Oh, killing any?" she asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
----------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty,2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high,3) Overcharging fees to many clients,4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.The list goes on for quite a while. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I have done some charity also in my life."St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
---------------------------
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
---------------------------
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
--------------
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the darn ship?"
----------------
An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old man also wanted the custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the old man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out,does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
---------------
Old Woman Who Has A Baby With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
---------------
Banta was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife Preeto, sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.Banta asks, "What was that for?"Preeto replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Sheena written on it?"Banta says, "Oh, Preeto, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? Sheena was the name of one of the horses I bet on."Preeto is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.Banta says, "What`s that for this time?"Preeto answered, "Your horse just called."
--------------
A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!" You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in that room... The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a buck, leave us alone." A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!" "Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 bucks. The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself." So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!". To which the priest says: "Are you following me around?"
--------------
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river. Poof! God gave him a row boat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying "Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river. And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map and walked across the bridge.
-------------
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died." The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you." The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
-------------
Once upon a time there were two blondes who had gone rock climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom.The other man frantically screamed, "Ross!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply."Okay Ross," shouted Robert, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and..."but before he could finish, he heard Ross call, "But both my legs are broke."Robert suggested his arms, to which the reply was, "They're broken too!"So finally, Ross held on with his mouth. Robert struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Robert said, "You right there mate?"Ross replied, "YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........"
--------------
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank Economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden."Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They must be English!""Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!""You are both wrong," says the World Bank economist. "They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise. Clearly, they are Zimbabweans!"
-------------
Two nuns, one known as Sister Mathematical(SM) and the other known as Sister Logical(SL), went in to town to sell cookies. As it was getting dark, they were returning home, but still far from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that man following us for the past half-hour?SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: He wants to rape us. It is the logical thing.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15.2 minutes. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.SM: Okay.SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started walking faster, too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried because Sister Logical had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrived.SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! What happened with the man? Are you all right? SL: I am fine. The logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, and you are faster, so he followed me.SM: So, what happened then? SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could.SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing. The man also started to run as fast as he could.SM: And then? SL: The only logical thing. He was faster, so he caught up with me.SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?SL: The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up.SM: You did? Oh, Sister. What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no!! What happened then? SL: The only logical thing. A slow nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a fast man with his pants down.
--------------
At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did.The minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."
-----------------
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!'
----------------
Yo Mamma:
Yo mamma's so nasty, a skunk smelled her and passed out.
Yo mamma's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.
Yo mamma's so nasty, she bit the dog and gave it rabies.
Yo mama so old, When she farted dust came out!
---------------
Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this guy.Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest. (He wasn't thrilled with her for that one.) April 1998 "Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must boreyou with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to theair hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. Soof course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-waterdecompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet.My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my assholewas swollen shut.I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suctionhose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.
----------------
Santa and his son were visiting America for the very first time.Santa was at a Local Food store going up and down the aisles with his son.Santa asked, "What is this??Santa`s son, "Powdered orange juice"Santa, "Powdered orange juice??"Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."A few minutes later, in a different aisle Santa asked again, "And what is this?? Son, "Powdered milk"Santa, "Powdered milk??"Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"A few minutes later, in a different aisle...Santa, "And give a look here!! Baby Powder !! What a country, What a country!"
----------------
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter eager to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through ! Let me through ! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
-----------------------------
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put in our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realize that long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering after eating it?"A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake"
---------------------------
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked."Hunting Flies" he responded."Oh, killing any?" she asked."Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
----------------------------
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty,2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high,3) Overcharging fees to many clients,4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.The list goes on for quite a while. The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I have done some charity also in my life."St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
---------------------------
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
---------------------------
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
--------------
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the darn ship?"
----------------
An old man and his young wife were getting divorce at a local court. But the custody of children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The old man also wanted the custody of his children. The judge asked for his side of the story too. After a long moment of silence, the old man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out,does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
---------------
Old Woman Who Has A Baby With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."
---------------
Banta was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife Preeto, sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.Banta asks, "What was that for?"Preeto replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Sheena written on it?"Banta says, "Oh, Preeto, remember two weeks ago when I went to the races? Sheena was the name of one of the horses I bet on."Preeto is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.Banta says, "What`s that for this time?"Preeto answered, "Your horse just called."
--------------
A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!" You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in that room... The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a buck, leave us alone." A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!" "Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 bucks. The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself." So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!". To which the priest says: "Are you following me around?"
--------------
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it. The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river. Poof! God gave him a row boat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying "Please God, give me the strength, ability and intelligence to cross this river. And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map and walked across the bridge.
-------------
A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces. One day he called a soldier in to the office and said "Kramer, your grandmother died." The soldier fell apart. After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, "You could have been a little more tactful. I have some books at home that could help you." The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was ready for the next crisis. Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away. The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you have a grandfather still living? Not so fast, Private Taylor!"
-------------
Once upon a time there were two blondes who had gone rock climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom.The other man frantically screamed, "Ross!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply."Okay Ross," shouted Robert, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and..."but before he could finish, he heard Ross call, "But both my legs are broke."Robert suggested his arms, to which the reply was, "They're broken too!"So finally, Ross held on with his mouth. Robert struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Robert said, "You right there mate?"Ross replied, "YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........"
--------------
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank Economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden."Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Englishman. "They must be English!""Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!""You are both wrong," says the World Bank economist. "They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they're being told they're in Paradise. Clearly, they are Zimbabweans!"
-------------
Two nuns, one known as Sister Mathematical(SM) and the other known as Sister Logical(SL), went in to town to sell cookies. As it was getting dark, they were returning home, but still far from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that man following us for the past half-hour?SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: He wants to rape us. It is the logical thing.SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15.2 minutes. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.SM: Okay.SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started walking faster, too.SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried because Sister Logical had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrived.SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! What happened with the man? Are you all right? SL: I am fine. The logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, and you are faster, so he followed me.SM: So, what happened then? SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could.SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing. The man also started to run as fast as he could.SM: And then? SL: The only logical thing. He was faster, so he caught up with me.SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?SL: The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up.SM: You did? Oh, Sister. What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no!! What happened then? SL: The only logical thing. A slow nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a fast man with his pants down.
--------------
At the conclusion of the sermon, the worshipers filed out of the sanctuary to greet the minister.As one of them left, he shook the minister's hand, thanked him for the sermon and said, "Thanks for the message, Reverend. You know, you must be smarter than Einstein."Beaming with pride, the minister said, "Why, thank you, brother!"As the week went by, the minister began to think about the man's compliment. The more he thought, the more he became baffled as to why anyone would deem him smarter than Einstein. So he decided to ask the man the following Sunday.The next Sunday he asked the parishioner if he remembered the previous Sunday's comment about the sermon. The parishioner replied that he did.The minister asked, "Exactly what did you mean that I must be smarter than Einstein?"The man replied, "Well, Reverend, they say that Einstein was so smart that only ten people in the entire world could understand him. But Reverend, no one can understand you."
-----------------
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks. The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!'
----------------
Yo Mamma:
Yo mamma's so nasty, a skunk smelled her and passed out.
Yo mamma's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.
Yo mamma's so nasty, she bit the dog and gave it rabies.
Yo mama so old, When she farted dust came out!
---------------
Next time you think you have had a bad day at work, think about this guy.Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest. (He wasn't thrilled with her for that one.) April 1998 "Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must boreyou with a few technicalities of my job. As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to theair hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. Soof course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-waterdecompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet.My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my assholewas swollen shut.I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suctionhose was placed on the leeward side of the ship. Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.
----------------
Santa and his son were visiting America for the very first time.Santa was at a Local Food store going up and down the aisles with his son.Santa asked, "What is this??Santa`s son, "Powdered orange juice"Santa, "Powdered orange juice??"Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh orange juice."A few minutes later, in a different aisle Santa asked again, "And what is this?? Son, "Powdered milk"Santa, "Powdered milk??"Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!"A few minutes later, in a different aisle...Santa, "And give a look here!! Baby Powder !! What a country, What a country!"
----------------
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter eager to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through ! Let me through ! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
